Two Point Radio

Harrison Wolff
On at night, Harrison's a fan of conspiracy theories and government cover-ups. He's completely paranoid about everything - but don't tell them that. It's not paranoia if you're really being watched, right? Don't worry; he's not actually a wolf.
 * Do you hear that sound? That's the sound of people in power getting nervous. They want us to stay quiet, see? But we're not gonna do that. This thing's gonna blow up any minute, and this mic here is the match that lights the fuse. Stay tuned for the weather.  
 *  You're listening to Harrison Wolf, the lone voice of reason, ready to spread some truth to all our vigilant listeners. So, open your eyes and your ears, and get ready to find out what's really going on. But first, here are some people playing musical instruments.
 *   "Stay tuned for the weather." Regular listeners will know that's code for, "Harrison Wolf's got some big news." That's right, I just found out last week's fireworks was staged to send messages that can be seen from outer space. So, keep an eye out for any unusual tourists.
 *  You are listening to Harrison Wolf. On Two Point Radio. We had a caller on the line just now, but he sounded suspicious, so I hung up. Which means this week's big prize is still up for grabs. So, why not try your luck and you could be the winner of a year's supply of lint.
 *  Microwaves. Let's talk microwaves. I mean, just think about hits for a moment. Would you heat up your porridge in a nuclear reactor? Of course not. But that's what you're doing every morning, sticking your breakfast in a radioactive waste machine. Be smart, people.
 *  A reminder that the annual Two Point Charity Walkathon is this weekend. Don't forget to wear your ribbon... if you want to be easily tracked by government agents, that is.
 *  This is serious, people. The Jammy Biscuits recipe has been changed. Oh, subtly, yeah, but you can taste the difference. This is how it starts. First they replace our biscuits, then they come for us. You could wake up tomorrow with ten percent more vanilla in your genetic makeup. Soon enough the whole of Two Point will be taken over. Stay vigilant.
 *  You've just listened to "Music to Play Sims By, Volume 3," a big hit back in the day for the Background Noise Band. I heard they disbanded after the bassist got trapped in a corner by a misplaced piece of furniture.
 *  Hey, you enjoy swimming? Sure you do. It's a wonderful exercise. But if you're doing it in the local pool, you might like to know they're putting dangerous, brain-altering chemicals in the water. They call it, "chlorine." I call it, "mind control." Now here's a record that's been making a real splash.
 *  You've been listening to Harrison Wolf on Two Point Radio. In the weather today, weird cloud formations spotted overhead. Clouds in the shape of bottle openers, fuse boxes, and this is the scary one, mushrooms. That's right, mushroom clouds hovering over our homes, over your children's schools. Time to dig out those bomb shelters and wait out the end of times.
 *  There's a pigeon on the window sill outside the booth. He's staring at me. Did you know you can train pigeons to do almost anything? What is he up to? Who sent him here? Aww, he just flew off. Guess he got everything he needed. Here are some more records.
 *  The 45th caller today will win tickets to the rock festival taking place next month. I admire a station manager's optimism. The most callers we've ever had in a day was six. Two of them were wrong numbers.
 *  It's time for the traffic report. Like, the real traffic, with cars and stuff. Pudding Lane has closed down due to the sinkhole that has swallowed up most of the road. Just another reminder of the void that will soon swallow up the rest of us. More merry tunes coming your way next.
 *  You know, I've DJed at over 20 stations all over the world, even DJed in one of those cities under the sea they don't want you to know about. But this one still has the weirdest smell.
 *  Why is it whenever you clip your nails in front of a computer, one of the nails always flies into the cracks of your keyboard. Does the keyboard feed on them? I don't know. No one knows.
 *  I've started exploring past lives. I've tried hypnotizing myself with pendulums and pocket watches, but I find listening to my own voice works best. I say one thing, and then another thing. And I say one thing, and then another thing. It's possible you're now hypnotized, too.
 *  Harrison Wolf here with another startling revelation from the dark side. You think the government is the only thing keeping tabs on us? How about nature? Fingerprints are the earliest forms of ID. Nature is watching our every move, and they can track us wherever we go. Think about that the next time you go on a hike.
 *  I tried a new hobby this week, just like my therapist recommended. Antique furniture restoration. It's not as relaxing as you'd think. The people sitting on those old couches can get pretty angry. It might be time to try something else.
 *  You're listening to Harrison Wolf. I don't know what my time-traveling, future self is up to, but my arm just disappeared.
 *  In my hypnosis session yesterday, I discovered I was a mongoose in one of my previous lives. Then I went back even further and found out I was also a pterodactyl. The weird thing was, I still had a radio show to do every day.
 *  When I first moved to Two Point County from across the pond, do you want to know what I missed most? The bowling alleys, man. You ask me, they're every bit as important as libraries, museums. On the way, more tunes to make your head explode.
 *  My latest attempt at finding a hobby: bird watching. Man, those things are fast. Also, people get nervous when you carry binoculars wherever you go. Especially when you're standing in their back gardens.
 *  You're listening to Two Point Radio with your resident weirdo, Harrison Wolf. Stay tuned for some great music. You never know, we might get lucky.
 *   You've got Harrison Wolf on Two Point Radio. Harrison Wolf here on Two Point Radio. Remember, I'm not here to entertain you. I'm here to entertain myself.
 *  You've been listening to Harrison Wolf on Two Point Radio. This is Two Point Radio, and I'm Harrison Wolf. If you tuned in by mistake, you might as well stick around and listen. It'll save you changing the station.
 *  You're listening to Harrison Wolf on Two Point Radio. It's the Harrison Wolf Show on Two Point Radio now. But don't worry, I'm just here to change the music every few minutes.
 *  You've got Harrison Wolf on Two Point Radio. Welcome to six more hours of me, Harrison Wolf. Two Point County's most enthusiastic radio DJ. I'm just so excited to be here.
 *  You've been listening to Harrison Wolf on Two Point Radio. You're listening to the voice of Harrison Wolf, Two Point Radio's third-highest-rated DJ. Stick around if you want to hear me talk some more
 *  It's that time of day again. That's right, folks. Harrison Wolf is back on the airwave. Stay tuned for my unique brand of enthusiastic banter.
 *  This is Harrison Wolf, and you're listening to Two Point Radio. But you already knew that. Let's start the show with this uplifting little number.
 *  It's the moment you've been waiting for, the Harrison Wolf Power Hour. Let's just hope no one turns the power off.
 *   Don't change that dial. Harrison Wolf is here on Two Point County's number one radio station. Let's go straight to some top 10 hits, shall we?
 *  I've been sitting here wondering how the town of Smogley got its name. I just can't wrap my head around it. Probably because of all the time I've spent there breathing in those industrial fumes.
 *  You've been listening to Harrison Wolf on Two Point Radio. I had the strangest night last night. I was playing poker with two lobsters, a leg table, and a sack of flour. I didn't win a single hand. Talk about poker faces. Then again, maybe it's time I stopped drinking absinthe.
 *  As many of you know, I have a keen interest in the paranormal, so I'm inviting any listeners who've had any supernatural encounters to write in or give me a call. Let's find out just how spooky Two Point County really is.
 *  If you ever get the chance, pay a little visit to Krod Bin's Ring late at night. I like to hang out there in a haze of smoke and just see what happens. You'd be amazed how many druids visit Lower Bullocks every year. This next song is dedicated to them.
 *  You've been listening to Harrison Wolf on Two Point Radio. Leslie called in just now to tell me about her supernatural experience. She was sitting in her flat in Sweaty Palms when the furniture started to move all by itself. Angry poltergeist, or just another Sweaty Palms earthquake? Guess we'll never know.
 *   I went to the Cirque du Purfait recently. I was impressed by how experimental the acts were, 'til I realized I was facing the wrong way and just looking at the tent wall.
 *  A friend of mine got me a working holiday at Merry Dung Farm for my birthday. I say, "friend," but I haven't spoken to him since. Anyway, this next song is for anyone who's had to mix up a batch of hog slop.
 *  Never hurts to have a fallback career. I tried out as a paparazzo by hanging out at the Paradise Lust Hotel, where all the celebs stay. I managed to take a bunch of pictures of the doorman. But I'm having a hard time selling them. I guess I'll stick to playing records, like this one.
 *  Norman called in earlier to describe his paranormal encounter. He was lying drunk in a gutter when he saw a bright light. Alien abduction, or a street lamp? We'll never know. Let me know if you've had any spooky experiences of your own.
 *  The Orb Foundation tried to recruit me this morning. Fifth time this week. I kept telling them I already belong to a weird cult: radio DJs. I was born to play records, baby. Here's another one.
 *   I really hate how fashionable Pelican Wharf's gotten these days. You can't order a beer without someone sticking a cocktail umbrella in it. They won't even serve you unless you're wearing the right brand of clothes. Stay way from those places, listeners. Stay away.
 *  Had a call from Fred in Blighton, who says his shed is haunted. He hears strange noises there every night. He's thinking he should stop storing all his cheese in there. What do you think? Remember, if you've had a supernatural encounter, let me know
 *  Anyone who looks at me would think I'd be a loyal customer of Holistix. Let me tell you, the only environment those people care about is the air-conditioned bank vault where they keep all of their money. Remember that next time you bathe in your jasmine-scented mud bath.
 *  I'll be keeping you company all through the night, playing the only records this station can afford. Might need to open a can of Pulpitation to keep me awake. If you hear any snoring, just ignore it.
 *  Has anyone actually read the ingredients list for Briney Brittle? It just says, "Salt, 84 percent. Other ingredients, 16 percent." I'm thinking of sending in some samples to the lab to find out what those are. You don't need a lab to know what's coming up next. More great tunes.
 *  Two Point County is just so damn normal. We're ruled by grey suits, sitting in corporate offices, building up the tower of capitalism. Well, it's time for action. I want you to go out there and do something subversive. Be a rebel, then call in and tell us all about it.
 *   You're listening to Harrison Wolf on Two Point Radio. Maple is one of the many rebels, pranksters, and anarchists who's called in to tell us about their subversive acts. She spray painted courgettes all over the front of the Fest Food Joint. Well done, Maple. This next track's for you.
 *  Sani just called in to tell us about her subversive act of the day. She went into one of those swanky, Pelican Wharf bars and switched all of the fancy drinks for cans of Burp! Keep up the anarchy, people.  

Sir Nigel Bickleworth
A patronising, obnoxious snob, Nigel considers his listeners a collection of uncultured swine and brain-dead yokels. He loathes his sponsors, his employees, his co-workers, most of the music he's playing, his job, and children. Unsurprisingly, Nigel also writes articles for the Daily Sneer. He's always talking about 'Back in my day'. Apparently he used to live in a mansion, and now he's been reduced to a mere maisonette. Something happened, back in his day. Something to do with Swindle Insurance...


 * You know, I've been humming that tune to myself all week, which is uncanny because I've never heard it before! Or have I? Welp, more catchy music coming right up!

Ricky Hawthorn
For your every-day news, Ricky brings a touch of sanity to the radio. Well... kind of. He used to have an anger management problem, but he's happy now. And he likes everybody, and he's always cheerful. Maybe too cheerful. Everything's going well, even when it's going horribly. Even though every hospital in the county suffers from horrific incompetence. Even though he knows his co-workers are completely insane. Ricky also seems a little less professional than the others, and is the most likely to screw up on mic. But he's always happy, just the same.

Heard before a song

 * More Two Point, more often. This is Two Point Radio.
 * Twenty-four hours a day. This is Two Point Radio.
 * This is Two Point Radio.

Adverts

 * Tired of thinking for yourself? Wish you could donate all your money? Join the Orb Foundation today. The Orb is the perfect shape, and the perfect solution.
 * Are your salt levels dangerously low? ("I need some salt over here!!!") Eat some Briney Brittle! The taste of the sea, right in your mouth!
 * Hungry? Anxious? Lonely? Eat some Cheesy Gubbins! Ch-ch-ch-cheesy! Gubbins! Cheesy Gubbins, the snack for people with nothing to lose!
 * If you want to experience all that the Pointy Mountains have to offer, stay at the Underlook Hotel. You'll never want to leave. Thanks. You're welcome. Amazing. Underlook Hotel.
 * (Moo!) Try Moose Juice. The healthiest drink on the market. Wow! Only the finest organic mooses make it into our juices. Moose juice!
 * (Burp! Sigh...) There's nothing like a burp. And now, Burp Soda comes in three new flavors! With 23 percent more fizz! Open your mouth and have a burp.
 * Read the Two Point Squabbler for all your local news. Two points of view. On all subjects. Because you decide what's true.
 * Today's sponsor is Rent-An-Eel. Rent-An-Eel, for all of your short-term, eel-based needs.
 * From the makers of Never Blink comes... Pulpitation. The energy drink made with the discarded pulps of oranges, and just a drop of rocket fuel. Pulpitation. Because sleep is for the weak.
 * Tired of hearing all of the good things going on in the world? Sick of cheery headlines and positive articles? Then read the Daily Sneer! Because good news is bad news!
 * The new, number-one album from Jasmine Odyssey. Featuring the hit singles, 'Nice Smelling Face', ♪"You've got a nice smelling face. Yes, you've got a nice smelling face."♪ And, 'Fish Whispers'. ♪"Ooh, fish whispers. Well, that's all I can hear, when you whispers to me like a fish. Fish whispers, fish whispers, fish whispers."♪ Salivation, the new, number-one album from Jasmine Odyssey, is out now.
 * Terrible things happen every day. You could lose a toe. (a lady screams) Your house. (a meteor strikes - a lady screams) Even your life. (a heart monitor fails - a lady screams) That's why you need insurance like Swindle's Insurance. Swindle's. Because peace of mind is worth a piece of your soul.
 * Trouble making ends meet? Need some extra dough? Call "Smell My Cash." Because an 80% interest repayment rate is nothing to sniff at. Smell My Cash. The desperate solution.

Trivia

 * All of the products advertised exist in the world of Two Point County, whether in vending machines, your three available bank loans, or rival hospitals.
 * The celebrities mentioned in the adverts for songs and movies will occasionally visit your hospital.
 * The ever-paranoid Harrison Wolff gives the commentary for the DLC Close Encounters.
 * Nigel Bickleworth gives the commentary for the Two Point Campus teaser trailer.
 * Ricky Hawthorn gives the commentary for the Two Point Campus release trailer.